In Appreciation of Eddie House


Here are the two things I remember about the soon-to-be-departed Eddie House:

1) I remember the play that he made in the Eastern Conference Finals/NBA Finals in 2008 (see, right there, that should give you an idea of how good I’m doing on the memory front). During a Celtics’ offensive possession, the ball got tipped into the back court; House took off after it, along with one other player. I can’t remember the opposing player, so I’m choosing to insert Lakers legend Jerry West, now near 70, into my mental picture of how things went down.

Eddie hustled to scramble past the creaky legs of West. Filled with the spirit of your prototypical energy guy off the bench, Eddie catapulted himself over West’s shoulder, dove to the floor, and, just before he slid out of bounds under the opposing basket, managed to fling the ball back off of West’s body. The ball went off of West, both saving the possession for the Celtics and hitting West with such force that the entire lower half of his body exploded in a fine mist of blood and bone matter. ABC went to a TV timeout just as the screaming NBA legend was being dragged off the court, now nothing more than whiny torso.

2) I remember screaming (screaming) at Doc Rivers through my television screen to fucking play Eddie House during the 2008 playoffs. We were having serious problems scoring, and as a team we were displaying a mystifying, infuriating ability to play like we gave half a fucking shit. I blame this entirely on Doc Rivers and his decision to play Sam Cassell over Eddie House; I maintain to this day that if he had just played House as the first guard off the bench instead of Sam, we would have swept through the playoffs.

Cassell misses a shot by twenty feet? Eddie would’ve made it.
Cassell pisses his pants at halfcourt, revealing a heretofore totally unknown problem with controlling his facilities? Eddie hasn’t pissed his pants since the first time he saw The Ring by himself.
Cassell burned down an orphanage? Look at how cute that kid is that Eddie’s got on the sidelines with him all the time!


On the other hand, of course, I’m overjoyed to be welcoming a total fucking nutjob like Nate Robinson to town. I’m not saying that sarcastically, either – I really am excited.  I hope he leaps into the stands during a playoff game and tears an Atlanta fan’s head clean off and then dunks it from half court.


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