Michael Vick, Patron Saint of Page Views

17Aug09

I haven’t written anything for bloggy-land here in quite some time, and I’m mostly comfortable with that.  What I do miss is coming occasionally to my blog, clicking on the stats menu, and soaking up the amount of times that people had viewed my posts.  It’s not often in terms of things that I write that I can see, statistically speaking, the amount of attention that I’m getting broken down in a black-and-white way like that.  Before bloggyland, I was forced to assume that no one was paying attention to me; now I knew for sure and had figures to back it up.

So, knowing how little anyone way giving a shit, I drifted away, got bored, pretended to start other things and summarily abandoned them, too.  Time passed.  The world turned.  I forgot about this place, about my own little slice of blog.

I happened to open it today, just for kicks.  Imagine my surprise when I clicked on the stats page and saw that I had ONE HUNDRED FIFTEEN VIEWS THIS PAST FRIDAY.  What the fuck?  This Friday I was sitting in my cubicle, marinating in a puddle of sweat and misery, just like usual.  What the Hell happened on my blog so that now, suddenly, people want to read it?

I looked through the stats.  Clicked through to see what post had gotten all the attention.  Saw that virtually everyone had gone to a post called “Dogtown,” which I wrote several months ago, and is about dogs, and dogs in movies, and dogs in danger, and dogs fighting and…oh.  Michael Vick.  It’s also about Michael Vick.  Michael Vick was recently released from prison, signed with the Eagles, is back in the headlines.

Goddammit.

What this means, obviously, is that no one’s interested in me, really – they’re interested in random blog-surfing for controversial key words.  There are people hanging out at their houses, in their offices – when it comes down to it, I’m just thinking of Ryan – who are clicking on the “Michael Vick” underlined keyword and hoping that blogger or wordpress brings them to something zany.  And I’m another stop on their constant, never-ending pilgrimage to the holy tower of zany.

What this also means is that now I’m going to start using bullshit tags on my own posts just to try and drive more traffic here to see what happens.  All of my posts from now on are going to be bookended by the following:

Sarah Palin

Michael Vick

gay marriage

infant slaughter

Lady Gaga

Kenny Chesney

Barack Obama socialist secret terrorist jewish bankers that control the world moon landing hoax

Jon and Kate Plus 8

Oh yes, internet, you will be mine.  You will be mine.

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Tags: Barack Obama socialist secret terrorist jewish bankers that control the world moon landing hoax, gay marriage, infant slaughter, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Kenny Chesney, Lady Gaga, Michael Vick, Ryan Kelly, Sarah Palin