NO. NONONONONONONONONONONONONO.

Friendly ‘Death Star’ Laser To Recreate Sun’s Power.

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There are so many reasons that this is a horrible idea.

1) Have you ever seen a major motion picture before? Have you ever heard the good guys talking about a friendly giant fucking sun-creating laser before? I’m pretty sure the good guys are the ones flying spaceships into the butt of the giant sun-creating laser to blow it up from the inside, ladies and gents. The bad guys are the ones who put out the chipper press release and later take the yahoo.com reporters hostage at knifepoint in a last-ditch effort to avoid capture.

2) Any article that legitimately contains the following quotes makes me nervous:

The National Ignition Facility has already test-fired all 192 giant lasers at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California as part of this effort. The lasers will eventually focus their power on compressing and heating a single, pea-sized fuel capsule to more than 180 million degrees Fahrenheit in order to trigger thermonuclear fusion.

and:

Just 150 micrograms of deuterium and tritium, or less than one-millionth of a pound, can serve as the fuel for the NIF experiment. But containing the high-temperature plasma from a fusion reaction represents a special challenge — temperatures of 180 million degrees F and up would melt any known substance…

This shit doesn’t even sound real. Can we dispatch someone to make sure that they’re not running Team Fake News over there? Would it surprise anyone to learn that somebody with a hard-on for sci-fi cooked up a story that actually contains the phrase “test-fired all 192 giant lasers”? DEATH STAR IS IN THE TITLE.

3) Can we maybe just install someone in a position of universal authority over all decisions that are made, everywhere? When there’s a decision made, he’ll get a little post-it note delivered to his office summarizing the relevant facts, and then he can either give it a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down. We’ll call him the Director of Are You FUCKING SERIOUS?